Fetishes (Asian)

Around the time of entering the "teenage years" I became aware of Asian fetishes. Yellow Fever. I am half Japanese, but still frequently get hit on by guys with Yellow Fever. I have the innocent Asian look with large breasts. I can't even count how many times I've heard some comment about how "you're rare, Asian with big boobs." It kind of is like I got double-screwed. Haha.

When I was about 12 or so I was on my father's computer looking up Jonathan Taylor Thomas websites, printing off photos... you know... teeny bopper obsessive stuff. I came across porn in my father's computer (VOMIT!) and it was Asian porn. My dad is white. Mom is the Japanese one. My father's wife prior to my mother was Asian, too. All the women my father has dated since my parents' divorce... ASIAN. I am a product of an Asian fetish! Gross.

I met this guy through a friend two and half years ago. He was dating this really pretty half Korean girl. The guy and I would talk everyday, and he did not hide the fact he loved Asian girls. Stupid me just enjoyed the attention of this person simply because he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever laid eyes on. Before and during my "new friendship" I was dating a really nice guy, and one day in the car I was telling him about this new friend I made who had Yellow Fever like no other. And he responded, I quote, "I don't understand why guys have Asian fetishes. No offense." And I just laughed about it. A year later, I came across his old livejournal and nearly all his interests were asian, asian, asian. Hmmm... Haha. Sick.

So why DO men have these Asian fetishes? Are Asians hot? Is it the idea of Asian women stereotypically stay at home and just cater to their men and hosuehold? Obedience? The look of innocence? Is it just pure sexual desire because Asian women are thought to has smaller/tighter vaginas? I've heard all of these as explanations for Yellow Fever.

I can't say that Asian fetishes offend me. I think I laugh about them more than anything. I would hope I don't end up spending my life with a guy who has Yellow Fever, because I guess in a sense it's a little unnerving, but... in the same regard, nearly everyone has a "type" they are usually attracted to, so what makes it any different? I've taken a bit of "revenge" and made it a bit of a joke about how I love Irishmen. It's all in the name of fun until...

http://www.modelminority.com/article1024.html

I remember reading this article a year ago or so... can a fetish really get that intense?! Perhaps there is a thin lines between attraction, obsessive, and mentally insane.

xoxox,
Monica

Character Flaws, I'm sorry?

Freshman year of high school, I remember we had a particular new student who everyone took to liking, Kevin Brown. He and I were in a lot of the same classes, so we became friends. I got along with everyone, you know? Well-liked and all that. I remember Kevin and I were talking about religion one day in our Study Hall. And at the time I was an atheist (agnostic now). He was genuinely curious about it. Asked me questions, and at the end of our discussion he said, "I couldn't ever marry an atheist." I actually probably will never forget him saying that. That was what? Six years ago, almost 7? Mind you, I never wanted to date Kevin, let alone marry him! But I felt kind of like prejudged? Now, I understand religion can get a bit messy when it does come to marriage and everything, but the whole being dismissed because of one thing, just wasn't something I understood well, I guess? It's funny because eventhough he couldn't marry me, he could allow everything else between us (never happened!).

Now, at the age of 20, I've found more things about me have been used against me, in relationship matters. Well, not just at 20, haha. All throughout this time period. For example, 3 and half years ago... Andrew. When he used the fact I was unstable (cutting, eating disorder, mood swings) as the reason why he needed to be in a relationship with Meghan instead. That, "you make a wonderful girlfriend, I just can't go through this again (Leslie, his ex)". Andrew had been the first person, and the only person I'd opened up to about those things, and it worked against me. I fucking closed that stuff right back up. Those things... self-mutilation and my eating disorder were not things that took toll on US, he simply bruoght me happiness. But anyway, before this becomes an Andrew thing, I'll move on. Presently, I have a greater grip on those things. Especially the cutting. Though, I've slipped a few times, I'm amazed at the progress I've made, from someone who didn't want to stop cutting, to someone who has had a small handful of incidents in the past couple of years. But, I guess it isn't enough.

Two months ago I was talking to a friend, and he said to me, in reference to an ex-girlfriend, something along the lines of, "If I'd known she cut herself, I wouldn't have ever gotten into the relationship." And this was after I had confided into him about my bouts with cutting. It really was like a slap in the face. Kind of like the Kevin Brown situation. Didn't make me feel good about myself, at all. Now, I know people have their reasons. Good reasons even, but it still doesn't make it less shitty to hear something like that.

Now, a few weeks ago-ish... when a guy I was pretty emotionally attached to was discovered to be involved with another girl, while he lead me to believe I was "the only one" (haha), in explaining why he ended up choosing her over me one of his reasons slipped into the conversation saying she's normally stable "[me] on the other hand..." God. I didn't even know how to respond to that, so I didn't.

Now, as you can imagine I've gotten down on myself, with fucking reason it feels. These people, for the most part, have told me I'm wonderful, a good person, positive statement, positive statement, positive statement, etc etc... what am I supposed to think? It's like when a child is hit by their parent, and then in the parents' shameful afterthoughts they hug and tell the child how much they love them. Am I completely off for feeling that way?

I know I'm not the only one who's dealt with these type of situations, so I wonder what we are supposed to do? Change? Try and change our faults? How many times can someone be rejected for their faults but still be self-accepting? Honestly.

xoxo,
Monica


PS Happy Birthday, Marky May
Love,
Moni May

Rollercoasters

I used to hate rollercoasters when I was a child. I have an early recollection of being at a fair in Chicago and my father never went on rides, my mother didn't feel like going, so I went on this ride that just looked like a ferris wheel, but you'd be upside down at the top. I went on alone. It was two to a seat, and I was sitting next to a stranger. All I can remember was he was a a very large man. The ride got stuck while my car was nearly at the top and I really felt asthough I was going to slip through the harness, but the man made sure I was fine and talked to me calmly. I'm sure it was for only a minute or two, but I felt like I was stuck there for an hour or two. A few years later I went to Six Flags with my day camp, got on a ride called the Demon, not know there were four loops. Ahh! I had my eyes closed the entire time. I finally got over my fear about 4 years ago when I was at Six Flags Astroworld. I love rollercoasters now.

What I've been pondering tonight isn't about rides in an amusement park though. It's about my emotions. They're a fucking rollercoaster. One moment happy. Next moment upset. Sometimes I feel like a manic-depressive nut (not implying bi-polar people are nuts)!

I'll be in a decent mood. Sometimes even in a really fantastic mood, and then ONE tiny little thing will set me off and I'll be so upset! I hate it. And I know I'm a sensitive person, but the moment I'm upset, I want to blame the other person for being so insensitive. But, it's me! I'm TOO sensitive!

Usually, when I feel this rollercoaster effect, it's when I'm talking to a friend and he/she says something and I'll take it badly and get in a pissy mood. The "okay." "yeah." "fine." "whatever." mode. I think that usually only people I really like can make me get like that though. Oh how special........... But also, things like songs or movies can change the gears in my moods, too. For example, I was watching Prozac Nation and felt a great sense of self-hatred and sadness, when before I was watching the movie I felt decently well!

I know this kind of thing is natural. It seems even common for my fellow ladies. Haha. But God, I sometimes really feel crazy for being so up and down so easily. I know it's a great fault. I don't like it, but how do I go about changing it? It's hard to change caring, you know? Which I feel plays a big role when I get this way towards people.

Maybe somewhere it's a need of acceptance. Because I find that primarily reasons I will get this way, is because I feel in a way rejected, unappreciated, unimportant... etc....? Not quite sure. I think mostly guys have this affect on me. Given, a couple close girl friends have made me an emotional rollercoaster, too. But, yeah... mostly guys. I'm sure there's something to that. Hmm.

I know I'm not alone. But it's very tiring. And I'm literally tired right now, so I shall sleep.

xoxox,
Monica

Nice Guys Finish Last

I was browsing through cute MSN articles as I always do, and the one I came across today was "Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?" The article was pretty shitty, but the topic is my inspiration at the moment.

Personally, I do think the nice guys finish last. Females, well... I'll speak for myself, I say guys are assholes, and that good guys don't exist. When I get hurt, I put blame on the guy, initially. Of course after it sinks in deeper, I start to blame myself and begin te self-loathing bit I do so well (and must change!). I opened up to the guy. I trusted the guy. I let myself vulnerable to the guy. I let myself get hurt by the guy. The guy is bad.

Why bad boys are appealing. I have talked to Mark about this before and this is why I think I fall for the bad boys... you feel special. You, I, whatever. When a guy has kind of a bad reputation or doesn't get along well with many people, hates people and is hated by people, you feel really special when you get positive attention from this boy. Because you see this side of the guy that no one else gets to see, normally. I think these type of guys know what they're doing most of the time and have done it to many people. But anyway, you see the sensitive side to the guy, and you think you are the reason this side is being brought out, when in reality it's just an act. Most likely you will be told, "Watch out for so-and-so, he's done this-and-this." Usually the response is, "but you just don't know him like I do. He's so sweet to me. He cares about me. He's different with me." Of course, you end up hurt in the end.

Why are the nice guys finishing last? I honestly have had AMAZING guys in my life! But those didn't work out because I was so hung up on like the two bad boys of my life. It doesn't make sense to me that I have wonderful ex-boyfriends and male friends who are not in great relationships. Is it the chase that we like? The case of wanting only what is unattainable? Do we say we want good, sweet men but really want the jerks?

What is wrong? I think girls like myself need to snap out of it and appreciate the wonderful guys and learn from mistakes to stop the horrible "I always end up with bad guys" syndrome.

Then again, don't these good guys deserve more than what these neurotic girls (like myself) have to offer?

xox,
Moni

Start

Here's the beginning of a new bloggy blog. After an entire day at work, I finally came through and chose a blog spot, name 20 minutes before I have to hop and skip to my car. Congratulations Monica! You're a star. I'm sure I'll write something later tonight.


xox,
Monica