I used to hate rollercoasters when I was a child. I have an early recollection of being at a fair in Chicago and my father never went on rides, my mother didn't feel like going, so I went on this ride that just looked like a ferris wheel, but you'd be upside down at the top. I went on alone. It was two to a seat, and I was sitting next to a stranger. All I can remember was he was a a very large man. The ride got stuck while my car was nearly at the top and I really felt asthough I was going to slip through the harness, but the man made sure I was fine and talked to me calmly. I'm sure it was for only a minute or two, but I felt like I was stuck there for an hour or two. A few years later I went to Six Flags with my day camp, got on a ride called the Demon, not know there were four loops. Ahh! I had my eyes closed the entire time. I finally got over my fear about 4 years ago when I was at Six Flags Astroworld. I love rollercoasters now.
What I've been pondering tonight isn't about rides in an amusement park though. It's about my emotions. They're a fucking rollercoaster. One moment happy. Next moment upset. Sometimes I feel like a manic-depressive nut (not implying bi-polar people are nuts)!
I'll be in a decent mood. Sometimes even in a really fantastic mood, and then ONE tiny little thing will set me off and I'll be so upset! I hate it. And I know I'm a sensitive person, but the moment I'm upset, I want to blame the other person for being so insensitive. But, it's me! I'm TOO sensitive!
Usually, when I feel this rollercoaster effect, it's when I'm talking to a friend and he/she says something and I'll take it badly and get in a pissy mood. The "okay." "yeah." "fine." "whatever." mode. I think that usually only people I really like can make me get like that though. Oh how special........... But also, things like songs or movies can change the gears in my moods, too. For example, I was watching Prozac Nation and felt a great sense of self-hatred and sadness, when before I was watching the movie I felt decently well!
I know this kind of thing is natural. It seems even common for my fellow ladies. Haha. But God, I sometimes really feel crazy for being so up and down so easily. I know it's a great fault. I don't like it, but how do I go about changing it? It's hard to change caring, you know? Which I feel plays a big role when I get this way towards people.
Maybe somewhere it's a need of acceptance. Because I find that primarily reasons I will get this way, is because I feel in a way rejected, unappreciated, unimportant... etc....? Not quite sure. I think mostly guys have this affect on me. Given, a couple close girl friends have made me an emotional rollercoaster, too. But, yeah... mostly guys. I'm sure there's something to that. Hmm.
I know I'm not alone. But it's very tiring. And I'm literally tired right now, so I shall sleep.
xoxox,
Monica
