Freshman year of high school, I remember we had a particular new student who everyone took to liking, Kevin Brown. He and I were in a lot of the same classes, so we became friends. I got along with everyone, you know? Well-liked and all that. I remember Kevin and I were talking about religion one day in our Study Hall. And at the time I was an atheist (agnostic now). He was genuinely curious about it. Asked me questions, and at the end of our discussion he said, "I couldn't ever marry an atheist." I actually probably will never forget him saying that. That was what? Six years ago, almost 7? Mind you, I never wanted to date Kevin, let alone marry him! But I felt kind of like prejudged? Now, I understand religion can get a bit messy when it does come to marriage and everything, but the whole being dismissed because of one thing, just wasn't something I understood well, I guess? It's funny because eventhough he couldn't marry me, he could allow everything else between us (never happened!).
Now, at the age of 20, I've found more things about me have been used against me, in relationship matters. Well, not just at 20, haha. All throughout this time period. For example, 3 and half years ago... Andrew. When he used the fact I was unstable (cutting, eating disorder, mood swings) as the reason why he needed to be in a relationship with Meghan instead. That, "you make a wonderful girlfriend, I just can't go through this again (Leslie, his ex)". Andrew had been the first person, and the only person I'd opened up to about those things, and it worked against me. I fucking closed that stuff right back up. Those things... self-mutilation and my eating disorder were not things that took toll on US, he simply bruoght me happiness. But anyway, before this becomes an Andrew thing, I'll move on. Presently, I have a greater grip on those things. Especially the cutting. Though, I've slipped a few times, I'm amazed at the progress I've made, from someone who didn't want to stop cutting, to someone who has had a small handful of incidents in the past couple of years. But, I guess it isn't enough.
Two months ago I was talking to a friend, and he said to me, in reference to an ex-girlfriend, something along the lines of, "If I'd known she cut herself, I wouldn't have ever gotten into the relationship." And this was after I had confided into him about my bouts with cutting. It really was like a slap in the face. Kind of like the Kevin Brown situation. Didn't make me feel good about myself, at all. Now, I know people have their reasons. Good reasons even, but it still doesn't make it less shitty to hear something like that.
Now, a few weeks ago-ish... when a guy I was pretty emotionally attached to was discovered to be involved with another girl, while he lead me to believe I was "the only one" (haha), in explaining why he ended up choosing her over me one of his reasons slipped into the conversation saying she's normally stable "[me] on the other hand..." God. I didn't even know how to respond to that, so I didn't.
Now, as you can imagine I've gotten down on myself, with fucking reason it feels. These people, for the most part, have told me I'm wonderful, a good person, positive statement, positive statement, positive statement, etc etc... what am I supposed to think? It's like when a child is hit by their parent, and then in the parents' shameful afterthoughts they hug and tell the child how much they love them. Am I completely off for feeling that way?
I know I'm not the only one who's dealt with these type of situations, so I wonder what we are supposed to do? Change? Try and change our faults? How many times can someone be rejected for their faults but still be self-accepting? Honestly.
xoxo,
Monica
PS Happy Birthday, Marky May
Love,
Moni May
