I'll skip all the "I've not written in ages" it's not as though I have some following. I need to see my thoughts to decide what I want and/or need to do.
I have been attaching and involving myself with someone for quite awhile now, with the knowledge that he cannot commit to me, even if he wanted to. For the longest time he made me feel extremely happy and I felt consumed by and with him. Happily consumed. It's just gone downhill in the past 2 months. I feel I've been shut out and he's shutting down. When at one time he was finding time to be able talk to me, he no longer puts forth that effort. It's made me sad. It's made me angry. I've brought up my unhappiness more times than I can count. There has been a glimmer of hope, but here I am today, still not feeling we're the same.
Without going into a hell of a lot of detail of our past, I'm going to just spew about what's running through my mind right now.
I've been happier recently in my situation with him, but truly we're nowhere near where we were when I was happiest. I feel little effort on his part. I truly feel I've put forth like 90% and he manages to contribute 10%. I'm a sucker for dropping things so I can accommodate when he's available.
I kind of feel I don't even have to finish putting down all my thoughts to know I need to suck it up, and just accept that things just aren't in the stars for us. I'm not being fair to myself by waiting for him to get to a point where he could even possibly be with me, when during the wait he doesn't even show it's something he wants or act in a way that would keep me holding on and hopeful.
I am probably extra emotional as I watched Dear John last night and now am currently watching Titanic, haha.
I'm sad. I was too hopeful and listened to my heart. Now my heart is starting to tell me it's time to start letting go. Love or not. Ha. Just now was the scene where Rose and Jack are freezing in the Atlantic and they're making the "never let go" promise. So now I'm stupidly second-guessing myself.
I have been waiting for some kind of change or "sign". I guess that never came. I think I'll start deleting a lot of e-mails, sms, etc from my blackberry to take a huge, but baby step toward moving on, even if it truly makes me feel sad and disappointed.
