Things I don't like about Monica...

In the following is a list of things I don't like about myself.

The first and biggest thing I don't like is my weight. I know that in itself is another issue and has been my entire life. I don't like that I don't want to change my thinking when it comes to eating disorders. I don't like that I still think about self-mutilation on occasion. I don't like the scars. I don't like how I'm afraid to fully open up to someone. I don't like how I get to know someone on a real level and then grow an attachment. I don't like how much of a procrastinator I am. I don't like that I've dropped SO many classes during college. I don't like how I let some things really get under my skin. I don't like how passive I can be. I don't like how messy I am (apartment, car, paperwork, etc...). I don't like how I've complained about people I care about. I don't like how jealous I can be. I don't like when I get snobbish. I don't like when I am feeling a certain emotion towards someone and don't tell them. I don't like my nose. I don't like when I get anxious, because I then get frustrated and angry. I HATE being angry. I don't like how when I feel rejected I blame myself. I don't like when I say I'm going to do something and never get around to doing it. I don't like that I start books and read it off and on for months. I don't like how dramatic I can get. I don't like how I always want and try to "better" myself, and still am the same person I don't like. I don't like how indecisive I am. I don't like when I am hateful to my family. I don't like how I've turned down amazing opportunities in my life. I don't like how stubborn I can get. I don't like when I get irritable towards people who have nothing to do with the reason I'm irritated. I don't like that don't like that I can't accept a compliment properly. I don't like the feeling that I know so little. I don't like when I disappoint people. I don't like when I disappoint myself. I don't like when I do something, but know I shouldn't. I don't like how I treated Jessica, my best friend from middle school and part of high school. I don't like how I don't feel good enough, ever. I don't like how I don't give enough compliments. I don't like when I forget how fortunate I am and how grateful I should be. I don't like when I'm hypocritical. I don't like when I can't stand my ground. I don't like how much I regret things. I don't like that I don't create art anymore. I don't like how I'm becoming so disassociative with most people, I feel less human. I don't like when I binge. I don't like my irrational fears that I know are irrational. I don't like when I get angry towards a stranger. I don't like when I beat myself up. I don't like when I don't like or hate myself.

Love,
Yourself

PS I'm sure there are many, many other things I don't like about myself, but that's all that came to my mind just now.

Taylor

The last year has been quite an experience. I had an ugly falling out with my best girlfriend, Andrea. 7 months later, we sat down, talked and worked things out. That was probably the best thing that's happened to me in the past year. The worst thing that's happened to me in the past year was having a falling out with Taylor. My best friend of 7 years. My gay husband. Ha.

When Taylor moved back to Texas from Tennessee he and I pretty much became inseparable. I introduced Andrea and Taylor to one another, and we all got along very well, at first. As time passed, there was the complaining about each other to me, behind each other's backs. You know how that goes... gets exhausting and fake. Which I just couldn't handle after awhile. But anyway, for reasons I won't explain now, Andrea ended our friendship, which ended up devastating me when it hit me.

After the falling out with Andrea, I basically became reliant on Taylor. It was a mutual thing. Joined at the hip, together almost 24/7, except when I was at work. It was probably the happiest period of my life. While it was good, anyway. Is it true that all good things must come to an end? In the case of Taylor and I, it did...

I've been writing this blog over a period of a few days, so it's starting to lose any... sense to me. Haha.


I saw Taylor on my birthday, my mother suggested I invite him to dinner. I'd spent the day with other friends... fun time. Rushed back home to get ready for Taylor, if my mother and her boyfriend didn't throw this nice dinner, Taylor and I wouldn't have done anything for my birthday. A few days later I asked him to meet me up for my lunch hour during work. He lied to me about something stupid, which isn't important... I didn't see him or talk to him for over a month. I was in Katy and had to get something at Ulta, which Taylor worked at, the most awkward moment I'd ever experienced with Taylor. We were strangers. We made small talk... he began to apologize for not ever returning my phonecalls, he was notorious for that, but he stopped himself and admitted, "Yeah... there's no excuse..." he looked really embarrassed. I told him it was fine, I didn't care anymore. We didn't even throw out the fake "We should hang out sometime... I'll call you" I just told him to have a Happy Thanksgiving and left. Last time I saw him. He commented on my blog sometime in February or something with a simple "I miss you". I've called him on two occasions, and of course same result. Nothing.

It makes me kind of sad to know that I don't have that kind of bond in my life anymore. What can you do, right?

I'm sure one day I'll want to add more to this "topic" I have another two ideas coming up. MUST WRITE MORE!


xoxox,
Mon