Monday, June 14, 2010

Happiness, Depression and The In Between

I can easily point out times in my life where I was in a state of happiness or depression.

I care less when I'm happy. Maybe what I mean is I feel more free of myself when I'm happiest. The reason I think that is due to the fact that when I'm depressed I'm punishing myself in some way for reasons I feel could have prevented/changed.

I've been in this in between state for the last several months. I'm not in any way depressed, but at the same time I'm not over the moon happy about anything. I think it's possibly the worst prolonged feeling I've ever had. The middle feels very unsure, disorganized and still.

I've been trying to get myself excited about something. I can't managed to hold onto anything that excites me these days. I'm very hesitant to hate on myself, because I know those actions become dangerous mentally, emotionally and physically. I know better.

I've tried focusing some on Francis. Thinking about someone you're in love with should make you feel giddy and on cloud 9. Meh... Our lives are just so out of sync at the moment that I'd have to get excited about a future that doesn't exist (yet?). So, I don't want to do that.

I do love my job, but I then remember I don't want to work at the salon for ever, so it reminds me that being there is that "in between" place I feel I'm stuck in right now.

I've been keeping in contact with all my friends, but haven't made too much effort, lately, toward going out to see them on weekends. I think that I have nothing I can really share since I feel nothing is going on, and not too many people can save their judgment when it comes to me being involved with someone who's married. "He'll never get a divorce" is something I could go without hearing for the rest of my life. Ha. I guess I only really spend time with those that I feel comfortable with not HAVING to go through the whole "catch up on each other's lives" deal. That's limiting. However, I'm fine with it right now. But there's only so much time I can give excuses or avoid my other friends who want to hang out. They'll eventually give up. That's what happened 3-4 years ago. I shouldn't repeat things I ended up regretting.

I'm not excited about having finished school. I hated every bit of it. Thinking about it too much causes me to become resentful about not having done something else, that I would have enjoyed doing. I don't know what. Travel. Or something.

I haven't heard from Daniel (the ex) since February 23rd. I know he's had things he needed to work on. Maybe he felt he needed to go back and work on them. The times before that, he's given me some sort of warning that he'd not be in contact for some time. It's June 14th now. I'm worried, but trying not too worry myself too much over it. He did say he was seeing a new girl, but it just seems odd that he wouldn't check his e-mail for nearly 4 months because of that. I almost called his mother to make sure he was OK, but I remembered the nasty message I left on her answering machine, knowing he'd get it and... well, that was just a mess. Anyway, some times I feel if I could talk to him he could shake me out of these funks I get in.

Lately, I've really been wishing it was Winter time. I always hate the Summer... but I feel like things would be more exciting if it were that time of year. I've been having this incredibly detailed want of sitting on the sands of a beach during a cold night.

I've felt really nauseated for the last several weeks. I'm fairly positive it's nothing physical. I've been to my doctor. She could tell my anxiety is a little higher than normal. I don't know why though. I just feel lost right now, I guess. But I'm not sad. I'm not happy.

I don't know why I have any expectations of conventionality. My life has never been conventional. I've never been conventional. I'm more than fine with that.

I hate feeling stuck.

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