Breakups!
Today is the first official day after the breakup. This is the day that I usually get really sad and regretful. Regretting either my decision to end a relationship or regrets on things "I could have done differently." You know what I mean? I'm sure everyone goes through this.
Surprisingly, I'm not feeling that way, at all. I actually don't think it's hit me yet. If I did, I'd be sad! Right? Right! Scratch that. I do feel SAD. Just not as sad as one would think, I guess. I'm sure by the end of the day I'll feel devastated.
Daniel and I have had so many fights during our friendship. Our relationship. It's been something I wouldn't have ever allowed myself to go through. But guess what? I was so in love with him. I still love him. I should have known that things wouldn't ever work out when early in our friendship the way I joked around was not accepteable to him. I had to make changes, accordingly. I think that set precedent for the relationship. When we didn't like something, state it, usually a fight will occur, but in the resolution, one would have to stop doing whatever.
Monica. I did not like to always make it clear When I was upset. I hate conflict. My family life has been NOTHING but conflict. Verbally and physically. I hate mixing that feeling with people I care and love. So, I was very avoidant when I was bothered by something. Also, though, I have the ability to be mad at something for 2 minutes, then totally shake it off and classify it as being silly for being upset over it. Which I did SO often. When I did say something to him that really bothered me, it would turn into a big discussion, then... of course, a fight. So, I can see how that would be something he didn't like. He likes to discuss things thoroughly. I don't. The way he'd go by discussing often felt like an attack, and I'd feel like my father's daughter. No control, no voice, small. I got jealous on more than one occasion that probably caused tension for a short while. I got irritated at the fact there were times where it seemed as though he didn't have an interest in talking to me, and would prefer talking to whomever else. The eating disorder. Enough said there. I didn't do everything he asked of me.
Daniel. Controlling. If I didn want to do something, he would keep demanding I do it. As I'd keep saying, "no" he'd get more mad each time, to where I would just finally do it so he wouldn't be so angry anymore. But when I didn't give into something he asked of me, it would turn into a fight. And according to him since I loved him it should be something I want to do for him. I think that there is something wrong with that mentality. Not according to him. I couldn't open up to him about a couple critical things, which should have been something I could discuss with the guy I'm in love with. When I was depressed I'd get the question, "where's the girl I fell in love with?" and to make that OK he claimed that he didn't know what was going on with me. But the way he approached it caused fights. I understand that men don't think the same as females, but there is a certain point where more guys know how to approach the situation. It was very rare he would apologize for something that hurt my feelings. And when I'd point out I was waiting for an apology, he'd tell me why he felt he didn't need to apologize. Also, often times I was irrationally upset according to him. Does that tell me something? Probably that my feelings don't amount for much to him.
I've confided in a friend that I really respect. He gives me an unbiased opinion and always has. With the really hard times Daniel I'd bother him into listening to the situation. With his advice and his opinions I feel that I can get my thoughts straight and get talked out of thinking irrationally. But surprisingly enough, with 99% of the time all of my feelings WERE rational and Daniel was irrational. That should have also been a great indicator for me that there's something wrong in this relationship.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Just an update
I've still not finished my "3 part" blogs. I'm in the middle of the third one and have been working on it for over 2 months I believe. It's not even any good. Oh well.
But here's an update, for myself.
So, I'm finally 21 years old. That's nice. It's not that much different, I just feel like I have more freedom to buy my own alcohol. Thaaat's about it. I had a really good birthday.
Halloween is coming up. I wonder which haunted house I'll be going to this year. We'll see.
I've been having a real big problem with weight stuff. I've been just gaining sooo much. It's scary and it's about to spin me into a spiral of... habits. I think that spiral has already begun. I think I'll write a separate blog for that.
For the past two days I've felt at an ultimate low. It's such an awful feeling. First it started off as a fight with Daniel. That wasn't the thing that really put me into this state. Someone at work made a comment to me that... God. It made me feel awful. I can't remember the exact statement, and I don't want to try and recall it. I felt like crying and I've just been really quiet ever since. With my friends and everyone. Ah. I'm just really not all too happy. Or at all. I hate these feelings.
This has been the shittiest blog entry ever.
I need to work on school work. Oh. School sucks.
But here's an update, for myself.
So, I'm finally 21 years old. That's nice. It's not that much different, I just feel like I have more freedom to buy my own alcohol. Thaaat's about it. I had a really good birthday.
Halloween is coming up. I wonder which haunted house I'll be going to this year. We'll see.
I've been having a real big problem with weight stuff. I've been just gaining sooo much. It's scary and it's about to spin me into a spiral of... habits. I think that spiral has already begun. I think I'll write a separate blog for that.
For the past two days I've felt at an ultimate low. It's such an awful feeling. First it started off as a fight with Daniel. That wasn't the thing that really put me into this state. Someone at work made a comment to me that... God. It made me feel awful. I can't remember the exact statement, and I don't want to try and recall it. I felt like crying and I've just been really quiet ever since. With my friends and everyone. Ah. I'm just really not all too happy. Or at all. I hate these feelings.
This has been the shittiest blog entry ever.
I need to work on school work. Oh. School sucks.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Pt. 3 Positive vs. Negative
Ah, I think everyday, "Monica, you need to blog!" and I do want to blog, but other pointless random things take over me, and I end up not blogging.
The two blogs previous to this one were done to help me with this one today. I wouldn't normally just compile a list of reasons I don't like myself like that, because it appears that I feel sorry for myself and want sympathy. That is not the case. Anyway...
So why is it that we can see more of the negative in ourselves? Maybe it falls back to the way our parents raised us. I think that greatly applies in my own case. Though, I must admit, the majority of who I am today has been created from my family environment. Anyhow, back to why we view ourselves in a negative light... As far as I can remember, I have always been told I can do better, better than great. (Ah, okay here I stopped, 10 days ago... so now I'm trying to continue)
As a child I was always put into the "gifted" classes. I remember always being the top of my classes even just as a kid. Eventhough my parents had this child who was pretty bright, my dad would still pick on how my handwriting wasn't good enough. Seriously. (I still have shit handwriting)We would be in the family room working on my homework, rather, my father would watch me do my homework, and would yell at me about how messy my handwriting was. Angry screaming. Maybe it's because even then my mother was never around.
All throughout high school I'd received quite a bit recognition for my artwork. By this time in my life, thirteen years old through present day, (ah, stopped here, and am picking back up Aug. 13th)I view myself in a negative light. I remember one time I'd won some place runner's up for an art piece I submitted for the Rodeo (mandatory in my art class) which was a big accomplishment. After 5 months working on that piece, it turning out well, my mother's ONLY response to it was, "oh, that's nice" Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Around a month later, my sister was angry and tore my artwork up. I was soooo furious! I was also crying, my mother didn't show me any sense of sympathy. It was so meaningless to her. My accomplishment. Anything I was remotely proud of never received recognition.
It's now November 1st. I'm just ending this entry. I had way too many thoughts for this.
The two blogs previous to this one were done to help me with this one today. I wouldn't normally just compile a list of reasons I don't like myself like that, because it appears that I feel sorry for myself and want sympathy. That is not the case. Anyway...
So why is it that we can see more of the negative in ourselves? Maybe it falls back to the way our parents raised us. I think that greatly applies in my own case. Though, I must admit, the majority of who I am today has been created from my family environment. Anyhow, back to why we view ourselves in a negative light... As far as I can remember, I have always been told I can do better, better than great. (Ah, okay here I stopped, 10 days ago... so now I'm trying to continue)
As a child I was always put into the "gifted" classes. I remember always being the top of my classes even just as a kid. Eventhough my parents had this child who was pretty bright, my dad would still pick on how my handwriting wasn't good enough. Seriously. (I still have shit handwriting)We would be in the family room working on my homework, rather, my father would watch me do my homework, and would yell at me about how messy my handwriting was. Angry screaming. Maybe it's because even then my mother was never around.
All throughout high school I'd received quite a bit recognition for my artwork. By this time in my life, thirteen years old through present day, (ah, stopped here, and am picking back up Aug. 13th)I view myself in a negative light. I remember one time I'd won some place runner's up for an art piece I submitted for the Rodeo (mandatory in my art class) which was a big accomplishment. After 5 months working on that piece, it turning out well, my mother's ONLY response to it was, "oh, that's nice" Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Around a month later, my sister was angry and tore my artwork up. I was soooo furious! I was also crying, my mother didn't show me any sense of sympathy. It was so meaningless to her. My accomplishment. Anything I was remotely proud of never received recognition.
It's now November 1st. I'm just ending this entry. I had way too many thoughts for this.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Things I do like about Monica...
Title is self-explanatory.
I like that most of the time I can see positive in people. I like that I can usually see all points of view. I like that I am understanding. I like that I am a good listener. I like that I am the daughter my parents are proud of. I like my long hair. I like that I laugh a lot. I like that I am friendly to strangers. I like that I am a vegetarian. I like that I have a fairly good head on my shoulders. I like that I am kind to animals. I like that I help others when I can. I like that I am giving. I like that I am girly. I like that I have an interest in learning new things. I like that I don't smoke. I like my sense of humor. I like my ability to see positive in a negative situation. I like the progress I've made as a person in my life.
Love,
Yourself
I like that most of the time I can see positive in people. I like that I can usually see all points of view. I like that I am understanding. I like that I am a good listener. I like that I am the daughter my parents are proud of. I like my long hair. I like that I laugh a lot. I like that I am friendly to strangers. I like that I am a vegetarian. I like that I have a fairly good head on my shoulders. I like that I am kind to animals. I like that I help others when I can. I like that I am giving. I like that I am girly. I like that I have an interest in learning new things. I like that I don't smoke. I like my sense of humor. I like my ability to see positive in a negative situation. I like the progress I've made as a person in my life.
Love,
Yourself
Friday, June 23, 2006
Things I don't like about Monica...
In the following is a list of things I don't like about myself.
The first and biggest thing I don't like is my weight. I know that in itself is another issue and has been my entire life. I don't like that I don't want to change my thinking when it comes to eating disorders. I don't like that I still think about self-mutilation on occasion. I don't like the scars. I don't like how I'm afraid to fully open up to someone. I don't like how I get to know someone on a real level and then grow an attachment. I don't like how much of a procrastinator I am. I don't like that I've dropped SO many classes during college. I don't like how I let some things really get under my skin. I don't like how passive I can be. I don't like how messy I am (apartment, car, paperwork, etc...). I don't like how I've complained about people I care about. I don't like how jealous I can be. I don't like when I get snobbish. I don't like when I am feeling a certain emotion towards someone and don't tell them. I don't like my nose. I don't like when I get anxious, because I then get frustrated and angry. I HATE being angry. I don't like how when I feel rejected I blame myself. I don't like when I say I'm going to do something and never get around to doing it. I don't like that I start books and read it off and on for months. I don't like how dramatic I can get. I don't like how I always want and try to "better" myself, and still am the same person I don't like. I don't like how indecisive I am. I don't like when I am hateful to my family. I don't like how I've turned down amazing opportunities in my life. I don't like how stubborn I can get. I don't like when I get irritable towards people who have nothing to do with the reason I'm irritated. I don't like that don't like that I can't accept a compliment properly. I don't like the feeling that I know so little. I don't like when I disappoint people. I don't like when I disappoint myself. I don't like when I do something, but know I shouldn't. I don't like how I treated Jessica, my best friend from middle school and part of high school. I don't like how I don't feel good enough, ever. I don't like how I don't give enough compliments. I don't like when I forget how fortunate I am and how grateful I should be. I don't like when I'm hypocritical. I don't like when I can't stand my ground. I don't like how much I regret things. I don't like that I don't create art anymore. I don't like how I'm becoming so disassociative with most people, I feel less human. I don't like when I binge. I don't like my irrational fears that I know are irrational. I don't like when I get angry towards a stranger. I don't like when I beat myself up. I don't like when I don't like or hate myself.
Love,
Yourself
PS I'm sure there are many, many other things I don't like about myself, but that's all that came to my mind just now.
The first and biggest thing I don't like is my weight. I know that in itself is another issue and has been my entire life. I don't like that I don't want to change my thinking when it comes to eating disorders. I don't like that I still think about self-mutilation on occasion. I don't like the scars. I don't like how I'm afraid to fully open up to someone. I don't like how I get to know someone on a real level and then grow an attachment. I don't like how much of a procrastinator I am. I don't like that I've dropped SO many classes during college. I don't like how I let some things really get under my skin. I don't like how passive I can be. I don't like how messy I am (apartment, car, paperwork, etc...). I don't like how I've complained about people I care about. I don't like how jealous I can be. I don't like when I get snobbish. I don't like when I am feeling a certain emotion towards someone and don't tell them. I don't like my nose. I don't like when I get anxious, because I then get frustrated and angry. I HATE being angry. I don't like how when I feel rejected I blame myself. I don't like when I say I'm going to do something and never get around to doing it. I don't like that I start books and read it off and on for months. I don't like how dramatic I can get. I don't like how I always want and try to "better" myself, and still am the same person I don't like. I don't like how indecisive I am. I don't like when I am hateful to my family. I don't like how I've turned down amazing opportunities in my life. I don't like how stubborn I can get. I don't like when I get irritable towards people who have nothing to do with the reason I'm irritated. I don't like that don't like that I can't accept a compliment properly. I don't like the feeling that I know so little. I don't like when I disappoint people. I don't like when I disappoint myself. I don't like when I do something, but know I shouldn't. I don't like how I treated Jessica, my best friend from middle school and part of high school. I don't like how I don't feel good enough, ever. I don't like how I don't give enough compliments. I don't like when I forget how fortunate I am and how grateful I should be. I don't like when I'm hypocritical. I don't like when I can't stand my ground. I don't like how much I regret things. I don't like that I don't create art anymore. I don't like how I'm becoming so disassociative with most people, I feel less human. I don't like when I binge. I don't like my irrational fears that I know are irrational. I don't like when I get angry towards a stranger. I don't like when I beat myself up. I don't like when I don't like or hate myself.
Love,
Yourself
PS I'm sure there are many, many other things I don't like about myself, but that's all that came to my mind just now.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Taylor
The last year has been quite an experience. I had an ugly falling out with my best girlfriend, Andrea. 7 months later, we sat down, talked and worked things out. That was probably the best thing that's happened to me in the past year. The worst thing that's happened to me in the past year was having a falling out with Taylor. My best friend of 7 years. My gay husband. Ha.
When Taylor moved back to Texas from Tennessee he and I pretty much became inseparable. I introduced Andrea and Taylor to one another, and we all got along very well, at first. As time passed, there was the complaining about each other to me, behind each other's backs. You know how that goes... gets exhausting and fake. Which I just couldn't handle after awhile. But anyway, for reasons I won't explain now, Andrea ended our friendship, which ended up devastating me when it hit me.
After the falling out with Andrea, I basically became reliant on Taylor. It was a mutual thing. Joined at the hip, together almost 24/7, except when I was at work. It was probably the happiest period of my life. While it was good, anyway. Is it true that all good things must come to an end? In the case of Taylor and I, it did...
I've been writing this blog over a period of a few days, so it's starting to lose any... sense to me. Haha.
I saw Taylor on my birthday, my mother suggested I invite him to dinner. I'd spent the day with other friends... fun time. Rushed back home to get ready for Taylor, if my mother and her boyfriend didn't throw this nice dinner, Taylor and I wouldn't have done anything for my birthday. A few days later I asked him to meet me up for my lunch hour during work. He lied to me about something stupid, which isn't important... I didn't see him or talk to him for over a month. I was in Katy and had to get something at Ulta, which Taylor worked at, the most awkward moment I'd ever experienced with Taylor. We were strangers. We made small talk... he began to apologize for not ever returning my phonecalls, he was notorious for that, but he stopped himself and admitted, "Yeah... there's no excuse..." he looked really embarrassed. I told him it was fine, I didn't care anymore. We didn't even throw out the fake "We should hang out sometime... I'll call you" I just told him to have a Happy Thanksgiving and left. Last time I saw him. He commented on my blog sometime in February or something with a simple "I miss you". I've called him on two occasions, and of course same result. Nothing.
It makes me kind of sad to know that I don't have that kind of bond in my life anymore. What can you do, right?
I'm sure one day I'll want to add more to this "topic" I have another two ideas coming up. MUST WRITE MORE!
xoxox,
Mon
When Taylor moved back to Texas from Tennessee he and I pretty much became inseparable. I introduced Andrea and Taylor to one another, and we all got along very well, at first. As time passed, there was the complaining about each other to me, behind each other's backs. You know how that goes... gets exhausting and fake. Which I just couldn't handle after awhile. But anyway, for reasons I won't explain now, Andrea ended our friendship, which ended up devastating me when it hit me.
After the falling out with Andrea, I basically became reliant on Taylor. It was a mutual thing. Joined at the hip, together almost 24/7, except when I was at work. It was probably the happiest period of my life. While it was good, anyway. Is it true that all good things must come to an end? In the case of Taylor and I, it did...
I've been writing this blog over a period of a few days, so it's starting to lose any... sense to me. Haha.
I saw Taylor on my birthday, my mother suggested I invite him to dinner. I'd spent the day with other friends... fun time. Rushed back home to get ready for Taylor, if my mother and her boyfriend didn't throw this nice dinner, Taylor and I wouldn't have done anything for my birthday. A few days later I asked him to meet me up for my lunch hour during work. He lied to me about something stupid, which isn't important... I didn't see him or talk to him for over a month. I was in Katy and had to get something at Ulta, which Taylor worked at, the most awkward moment I'd ever experienced with Taylor. We were strangers. We made small talk... he began to apologize for not ever returning my phonecalls, he was notorious for that, but he stopped himself and admitted, "Yeah... there's no excuse..." he looked really embarrassed. I told him it was fine, I didn't care anymore. We didn't even throw out the fake "We should hang out sometime... I'll call you" I just told him to have a Happy Thanksgiving and left. Last time I saw him. He commented on my blog sometime in February or something with a simple "I miss you". I've called him on two occasions, and of course same result. Nothing.
It makes me kind of sad to know that I don't have that kind of bond in my life anymore. What can you do, right?
I'm sure one day I'll want to add more to this "topic" I have another two ideas coming up. MUST WRITE MORE!
xoxox,
Mon
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
I love you
For about the past three years (approx.) I've been in these relationships or situations where a guy has a world of problems and somehow I get dubbed the solution. Maybe that's a bit exaggerative. Haha.
I can think of a handful of guys I've experienced this with. One that pops up in particular is Brian. I recognized Brian from his blog. I remember having had commented on his blog a week before saying I liked his hair color a lot. When I recognized him at a show (Rufio and Motion City Sountrack, maybe?). I told him I recognized him, and liked his hair color. He blushed and was all embarrassed. Haha. We talked for a little bit, I introduced him to the people I was with, his friend had flaked out on him, but he still wanted to get photos with his brand new digital Canon. Sometime the next day when I was checking my blog, I realized that he paid for my account to be "elite" and he had written a blog about meeting a cute girl and having a good time... I thanked him a million times for his kindness and told him it was nice meeting him. Next thing I know we spend all our free time together or talking to each other. Brian was very unhappy with previous relationships. Unhappy with himself. Wonderful, intelligent, interesting and cute guy. Low self-esteem. When he and I initially met, he had plans to move to Canada, but suddenly his tune changed and Houston wasn't so bad... I think spending time together ALL the time was getting too much for me, and when I tried to chill on "us" he got more and more needy. In any case, when I pushed him out of my life (no-no on my part), not too long after, he moved. "Nothing [was] keeping [him] in Houston." Later on, an ex-boyfriend of mine who turned out was friends with him told me how Brian thought I was "not like other girls" "special" "someone who made him happy" you know... that. Which really brings me to a similar rant. Although, I know I didn't really make my point clearly, but... I don't care. Ah, now my thoughts are all scattered. Well...
Another guy I knew was "in love with me" "had to be with me" but he was engaged. He was always asking if I was interested or would be interested if he left his fiancee. What a winner. And the answer was always no, of coursedly. We'd go long periods of time without talking, infact, he moved, and I'd occasionally hear from him, and it was the same everytime, "our relationship is horrible. Next fight I'm really ending it. Would you ever consider a relationship with me?" "Uh, no. You love her, you're going to work things out. Don't worry." Seriously. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met." "You're unique" etc etc. He was actually really good at paying original compliments. Well, some I never received before. He had an unfulfilling relationship, his brother had died around the time he got really persistent with me, work wasn't going great. Pretty much, he was unhappy and for some unknown reason to me, he felt I could provide him with happiness. He got a bit scary, he'd "run" into me frequently and ask about Taylor and me with the most jealous tones. Oh boys...
I've experienced these situations with quite a few more men. All the same, basically.
This is what I'm finding that guys claim we're not like other girls, we're unique/special, we're this, we're that, we're beautiful, we're life-changing. Come on! I don't fall for this shit anymore. It takes a lot for me to think a guy is being genuine when he states these types of things. Which, honestly, has upset a few people for me not believing their sincerity. And of course, in the back, back of my mind I'm second-guessing them. I think that's natural. Maybe I'm living with a cynical sense of mind. Haha. Also, I guess another thing that goes along with my previous "bad boy" entry is that, I find myself wanting attention or something with the guys who don't go overboard with such compliments and what-have-you. I think many girls experience this. I've really gone off my main thoughts. It's been a long, boring, slow day.
xoxox,
Moni
I can think of a handful of guys I've experienced this with. One that pops up in particular is Brian. I recognized Brian from his blog. I remember having had commented on his blog a week before saying I liked his hair color a lot. When I recognized him at a show (Rufio and Motion City Sountrack, maybe?). I told him I recognized him, and liked his hair color. He blushed and was all embarrassed. Haha. We talked for a little bit, I introduced him to the people I was with, his friend had flaked out on him, but he still wanted to get photos with his brand new digital Canon. Sometime the next day when I was checking my blog, I realized that he paid for my account to be "elite" and he had written a blog about meeting a cute girl and having a good time... I thanked him a million times for his kindness and told him it was nice meeting him. Next thing I know we spend all our free time together or talking to each other. Brian was very unhappy with previous relationships. Unhappy with himself. Wonderful, intelligent, interesting and cute guy. Low self-esteem. When he and I initially met, he had plans to move to Canada, but suddenly his tune changed and Houston wasn't so bad... I think spending time together ALL the time was getting too much for me, and when I tried to chill on "us" he got more and more needy. In any case, when I pushed him out of my life (no-no on my part), not too long after, he moved. "Nothing [was] keeping [him] in Houston." Later on, an ex-boyfriend of mine who turned out was friends with him told me how Brian thought I was "not like other girls" "special" "someone who made him happy" you know... that. Which really brings me to a similar rant. Although, I know I didn't really make my point clearly, but... I don't care. Ah, now my thoughts are all scattered. Well...
Another guy I knew was "in love with me" "had to be with me" but he was engaged. He was always asking if I was interested or would be interested if he left his fiancee. What a winner. And the answer was always no, of coursedly. We'd go long periods of time without talking, infact, he moved, and I'd occasionally hear from him, and it was the same everytime, "our relationship is horrible. Next fight I'm really ending it. Would you ever consider a relationship with me?" "Uh, no. You love her, you're going to work things out. Don't worry." Seriously. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met." "You're unique" etc etc. He was actually really good at paying original compliments. Well, some I never received before. He had an unfulfilling relationship, his brother had died around the time he got really persistent with me, work wasn't going great. Pretty much, he was unhappy and for some unknown reason to me, he felt I could provide him with happiness. He got a bit scary, he'd "run" into me frequently and ask about Taylor and me with the most jealous tones. Oh boys...
I've experienced these situations with quite a few more men. All the same, basically.
This is what I'm finding that guys claim we're not like other girls, we're unique/special, we're this, we're that, we're beautiful, we're life-changing. Come on! I don't fall for this shit anymore. It takes a lot for me to think a guy is being genuine when he states these types of things. Which, honestly, has upset a few people for me not believing their sincerity. And of course, in the back, back of my mind I'm second-guessing them. I think that's natural. Maybe I'm living with a cynical sense of mind. Haha. Also, I guess another thing that goes along with my previous "bad boy" entry is that, I find myself wanting attention or something with the guys who don't go overboard with such compliments and what-have-you. I think many girls experience this. I've really gone off my main thoughts. It's been a long, boring, slow day.
xoxox,
Moni
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Fetishes (Asian)
Around the time of entering the "teenage years" I became aware of Asian fetishes. Yellow Fever. I am half Japanese, but still frequently get hit on by guys with Yellow Fever. I have the innocent Asian look with large breasts. I can't even count how many times I've heard some comment about how "you're rare, Asian with big boobs." It kind of is like I got double-screwed. Haha.
When I was about 12 or so I was on my father's computer looking up Jonathan Taylor Thomas websites, printing off photos... you know... teeny bopper obsessive stuff. I came across porn in my father's computer (VOMIT!) and it was Asian porn. My dad is white. Mom is the Japanese one. My father's wife prior to my mother was Asian, too. All the women my father has dated since my parents' divorce... ASIAN. I am a product of an Asian fetish! Gross.
I met this guy through a friend two and half years ago. He was dating this really pretty half Korean girl. The guy and I would talk everyday, and he did not hide the fact he loved Asian girls. Stupid me just enjoyed the attention of this person simply because he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever laid eyes on. Before and during my "new friendship" I was dating a really nice guy, and one day in the car I was telling him about this new friend I made who had Yellow Fever like no other. And he responded, I quote, "I don't understand why guys have Asian fetishes. No offense." And I just laughed about it. A year later, I came across his old livejournal and nearly all his interests were asian, asian, asian. Hmmm... Haha. Sick.
So why DO men have these Asian fetishes? Are Asians hot? Is it the idea of Asian women stereotypically stay at home and just cater to their men and hosuehold? Obedience? The look of innocence? Is it just pure sexual desire because Asian women are thought to has smaller/tighter vaginas? I've heard all of these as explanations for Yellow Fever.
I can't say that Asian fetishes offend me. I think I laugh about them more than anything. I would hope I don't end up spending my life with a guy who has Yellow Fever, because I guess in a sense it's a little unnerving, but... in the same regard, nearly everyone has a "type" they are usually attracted to, so what makes it any different? I've taken a bit of "revenge" and made it a bit of a joke about how I love Irishmen. It's all in the name of fun until...
http://www.modelminority.com/article1024.html
I remember reading this article a year ago or so... can a fetish really get that intense?! Perhaps there is a thin lines between attraction, obsessive, and mentally insane.
xoxox,
Monica
When I was about 12 or so I was on my father's computer looking up Jonathan Taylor Thomas websites, printing off photos... you know... teeny bopper obsessive stuff. I came across porn in my father's computer (VOMIT!) and it was Asian porn. My dad is white. Mom is the Japanese one. My father's wife prior to my mother was Asian, too. All the women my father has dated since my parents' divorce... ASIAN. I am a product of an Asian fetish! Gross.
I met this guy through a friend two and half years ago. He was dating this really pretty half Korean girl. The guy and I would talk everyday, and he did not hide the fact he loved Asian girls. Stupid me just enjoyed the attention of this person simply because he was the most gorgeous guy I had ever laid eyes on. Before and during my "new friendship" I was dating a really nice guy, and one day in the car I was telling him about this new friend I made who had Yellow Fever like no other. And he responded, I quote, "I don't understand why guys have Asian fetishes. No offense." And I just laughed about it. A year later, I came across his old livejournal and nearly all his interests were asian, asian, asian. Hmmm... Haha. Sick.
So why DO men have these Asian fetishes? Are Asians hot? Is it the idea of Asian women stereotypically stay at home and just cater to their men and hosuehold? Obedience? The look of innocence? Is it just pure sexual desire because Asian women are thought to has smaller/tighter vaginas? I've heard all of these as explanations for Yellow Fever.
I can't say that Asian fetishes offend me. I think I laugh about them more than anything. I would hope I don't end up spending my life with a guy who has Yellow Fever, because I guess in a sense it's a little unnerving, but... in the same regard, nearly everyone has a "type" they are usually attracted to, so what makes it any different? I've taken a bit of "revenge" and made it a bit of a joke about how I love Irishmen. It's all in the name of fun until...
http://www.modelminority.com/article1024.html
I remember reading this article a year ago or so... can a fetish really get that intense?! Perhaps there is a thin lines between attraction, obsessive, and mentally insane.
xoxox,
Monica
Monday, April 17, 2006
Character Flaws, I'm sorry?
Freshman year of high school, I remember we had a particular new student who everyone took to liking, Kevin Brown. He and I were in a lot of the same classes, so we became friends. I got along with everyone, you know? Well-liked and all that. I remember Kevin and I were talking about religion one day in our Study Hall. And at the time I was an atheist (agnostic now). He was genuinely curious about it. Asked me questions, and at the end of our discussion he said, "I couldn't ever marry an atheist." I actually probably will never forget him saying that. That was what? Six years ago, almost 7? Mind you, I never wanted to date Kevin, let alone marry him! But I felt kind of like prejudged? Now, I understand religion can get a bit messy when it does come to marriage and everything, but the whole being dismissed because of one thing, just wasn't something I understood well, I guess? It's funny because eventhough he couldn't marry me, he could allow everything else between us (never happened!).
Now, at the age of 20, I've found more things about me have been used against me, in relationship matters. Well, not just at 20, haha. All throughout this time period. For example, 3 and half years ago... Andrew. When he used the fact I was unstable (cutting, eating disorder, mood swings) as the reason why he needed to be in a relationship with Meghan instead. That, "you make a wonderful girlfriend, I just can't go through this again (Leslie, his ex)". Andrew had been the first person, and the only person I'd opened up to about those things, and it worked against me. I fucking closed that stuff right back up. Those things... self-mutilation and my eating disorder were not things that took toll on US, he simply bruoght me happiness. But anyway, before this becomes an Andrew thing, I'll move on. Presently, I have a greater grip on those things. Especially the cutting. Though, I've slipped a few times, I'm amazed at the progress I've made, from someone who didn't want to stop cutting, to someone who has had a small handful of incidents in the past couple of years. But, I guess it isn't enough.
Two months ago I was talking to a friend, and he said to me, in reference to an ex-girlfriend, something along the lines of, "If I'd known she cut herself, I wouldn't have ever gotten into the relationship." And this was after I had confided into him about my bouts with cutting. It really was like a slap in the face. Kind of like the Kevin Brown situation. Didn't make me feel good about myself, at all. Now, I know people have their reasons. Good reasons even, but it still doesn't make it less shitty to hear something like that.
Now, a few weeks ago-ish... when a guy I was pretty emotionally attached to was discovered to be involved with another girl, while he lead me to believe I was "the only one" (haha), in explaining why he ended up choosing her over me one of his reasons slipped into the conversation saying she's normally stable "[me] on the other hand..." God. I didn't even know how to respond to that, so I didn't.
Now, as you can imagine I've gotten down on myself, with fucking reason it feels. These people, for the most part, have told me I'm wonderful, a good person, positive statement, positive statement, positive statement, etc etc... what am I supposed to think? It's like when a child is hit by their parent, and then in the parents' shameful afterthoughts they hug and tell the child how much they love them. Am I completely off for feeling that way?
I know I'm not the only one who's dealt with these type of situations, so I wonder what we are supposed to do? Change? Try and change our faults? How many times can someone be rejected for their faults but still be self-accepting? Honestly.
xoxo,
Monica
PS Happy Birthday, Marky May
Love,
Moni May
Now, at the age of 20, I've found more things about me have been used against me, in relationship matters. Well, not just at 20, haha. All throughout this time period. For example, 3 and half years ago... Andrew. When he used the fact I was unstable (cutting, eating disorder, mood swings) as the reason why he needed to be in a relationship with Meghan instead. That, "you make a wonderful girlfriend, I just can't go through this again (Leslie, his ex)". Andrew had been the first person, and the only person I'd opened up to about those things, and it worked against me. I fucking closed that stuff right back up. Those things... self-mutilation and my eating disorder were not things that took toll on US, he simply bruoght me happiness. But anyway, before this becomes an Andrew thing, I'll move on. Presently, I have a greater grip on those things. Especially the cutting. Though, I've slipped a few times, I'm amazed at the progress I've made, from someone who didn't want to stop cutting, to someone who has had a small handful of incidents in the past couple of years. But, I guess it isn't enough.
Two months ago I was talking to a friend, and he said to me, in reference to an ex-girlfriend, something along the lines of, "If I'd known she cut herself, I wouldn't have ever gotten into the relationship." And this was after I had confided into him about my bouts with cutting. It really was like a slap in the face. Kind of like the Kevin Brown situation. Didn't make me feel good about myself, at all. Now, I know people have their reasons. Good reasons even, but it still doesn't make it less shitty to hear something like that.
Now, a few weeks ago-ish... when a guy I was pretty emotionally attached to was discovered to be involved with another girl, while he lead me to believe I was "the only one" (haha), in explaining why he ended up choosing her over me one of his reasons slipped into the conversation saying she's normally stable "[me] on the other hand..." God. I didn't even know how to respond to that, so I didn't.
Now, as you can imagine I've gotten down on myself, with fucking reason it feels. These people, for the most part, have told me I'm wonderful, a good person, positive statement, positive statement, positive statement, etc etc... what am I supposed to think? It's like when a child is hit by their parent, and then in the parents' shameful afterthoughts they hug and tell the child how much they love them. Am I completely off for feeling that way?
I know I'm not the only one who's dealt with these type of situations, so I wonder what we are supposed to do? Change? Try and change our faults? How many times can someone be rejected for their faults but still be self-accepting? Honestly.
xoxo,
Monica
PS Happy Birthday, Marky May
Love,
Moni May
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Rollercoasters
I used to hate rollercoasters when I was a child. I have an early recollection of being at a fair in Chicago and my father never went on rides, my mother didn't feel like going, so I went on this ride that just looked like a ferris wheel, but you'd be upside down at the top. I went on alone. It was two to a seat, and I was sitting next to a stranger. All I can remember was he was a a very large man. The ride got stuck while my car was nearly at the top and I really felt asthough I was going to slip through the harness, but the man made sure I was fine and talked to me calmly. I'm sure it was for only a minute or two, but I felt like I was stuck there for an hour or two. A few years later I went to Six Flags with my day camp, got on a ride called the Demon, not know there were four loops. Ahh! I had my eyes closed the entire time. I finally got over my fear about 4 years ago when I was at Six Flags Astroworld. I love rollercoasters now.
What I've been pondering tonight isn't about rides in an amusement park though. It's about my emotions. They're a fucking rollercoaster. One moment happy. Next moment upset. Sometimes I feel like a manic-depressive nut (not implying bi-polar people are nuts)!
I'll be in a decent mood. Sometimes even in a really fantastic mood, and then ONE tiny little thing will set me off and I'll be so upset! I hate it. And I know I'm a sensitive person, but the moment I'm upset, I want to blame the other person for being so insensitive. But, it's me! I'm TOO sensitive!
Usually, when I feel this rollercoaster effect, it's when I'm talking to a friend and he/she says something and I'll take it badly and get in a pissy mood. The "okay." "yeah." "fine." "whatever." mode. I think that usually only people I really like can make me get like that though. Oh how special........... But also, things like songs or movies can change the gears in my moods, too. For example, I was watching Prozac Nation and felt a great sense of self-hatred and sadness, when before I was watching the movie I felt decently well!
I know this kind of thing is natural. It seems even common for my fellow ladies. Haha. But God, I sometimes really feel crazy for being so up and down so easily. I know it's a great fault. I don't like it, but how do I go about changing it? It's hard to change caring, you know? Which I feel plays a big role when I get this way towards people.
Maybe somewhere it's a need of acceptance. Because I find that primarily reasons I will get this way, is because I feel in a way rejected, unappreciated, unimportant... etc....? Not quite sure. I think mostly guys have this affect on me. Given, a couple close girl friends have made me an emotional rollercoaster, too. But, yeah... mostly guys. I'm sure there's something to that. Hmm.
I know I'm not alone. But it's very tiring. And I'm literally tired right now, so I shall sleep.
xoxox,
Monica
What I've been pondering tonight isn't about rides in an amusement park though. It's about my emotions. They're a fucking rollercoaster. One moment happy. Next moment upset. Sometimes I feel like a manic-depressive nut (not implying bi-polar people are nuts)!
I'll be in a decent mood. Sometimes even in a really fantastic mood, and then ONE tiny little thing will set me off and I'll be so upset! I hate it. And I know I'm a sensitive person, but the moment I'm upset, I want to blame the other person for being so insensitive. But, it's me! I'm TOO sensitive!
Usually, when I feel this rollercoaster effect, it's when I'm talking to a friend and he/she says something and I'll take it badly and get in a pissy mood. The "okay." "yeah." "fine." "whatever." mode. I think that usually only people I really like can make me get like that though. Oh how special........... But also, things like songs or movies can change the gears in my moods, too. For example, I was watching Prozac Nation and felt a great sense of self-hatred and sadness, when before I was watching the movie I felt decently well!
I know this kind of thing is natural. It seems even common for my fellow ladies. Haha. But God, I sometimes really feel crazy for being so up and down so easily. I know it's a great fault. I don't like it, but how do I go about changing it? It's hard to change caring, you know? Which I feel plays a big role when I get this way towards people.
Maybe somewhere it's a need of acceptance. Because I find that primarily reasons I will get this way, is because I feel in a way rejected, unappreciated, unimportant... etc....? Not quite sure. I think mostly guys have this affect on me. Given, a couple close girl friends have made me an emotional rollercoaster, too. But, yeah... mostly guys. I'm sure there's something to that. Hmm.
I know I'm not alone. But it's very tiring. And I'm literally tired right now, so I shall sleep.
xoxox,
Monica
Friday, April 14, 2006
Nice Guys Finish Last
I was browsing through cute MSN articles as I always do, and the one I came across today was "Do Nice Guys Really Finish Last?" The article was pretty shitty, but the topic is my inspiration at the moment.
Personally, I do think the nice guys finish last. Females, well... I'll speak for myself, I say guys are assholes, and that good guys don't exist. When I get hurt, I put blame on the guy, initially. Of course after it sinks in deeper, I start to blame myself and begin te self-loathing bit I do so well (and must change!). I opened up to the guy. I trusted the guy. I let myself vulnerable to the guy. I let myself get hurt by the guy. The guy is bad.
Why bad boys are appealing. I have talked to Mark about this before and this is why I think I fall for the bad boys... you feel special. You, I, whatever. When a guy has kind of a bad reputation or doesn't get along well with many people, hates people and is hated by people, you feel really special when you get positive attention from this boy. Because you see this side of the guy that no one else gets to see, normally. I think these type of guys know what they're doing most of the time and have done it to many people. But anyway, you see the sensitive side to the guy, and you think you are the reason this side is being brought out, when in reality it's just an act. Most likely you will be told, "Watch out for so-and-so, he's done this-and-this." Usually the response is, "but you just don't know him like I do. He's so sweet to me. He cares about me. He's different with me." Of course, you end up hurt in the end.
Why are the nice guys finishing last? I honestly have had AMAZING guys in my life! But those didn't work out because I was so hung up on like the two bad boys of my life. It doesn't make sense to me that I have wonderful ex-boyfriends and male friends who are not in great relationships. Is it the chase that we like? The case of wanting only what is unattainable? Do we say we want good, sweet men but really want the jerks?
What is wrong? I think girls like myself need to snap out of it and appreciate the wonderful guys and learn from mistakes to stop the horrible "I always end up with bad guys" syndrome.
Then again, don't these good guys deserve more than what these neurotic girls (like myself) have to offer?
xox,
Moni
Personally, I do think the nice guys finish last. Females, well... I'll speak for myself, I say guys are assholes, and that good guys don't exist. When I get hurt, I put blame on the guy, initially. Of course after it sinks in deeper, I start to blame myself and begin te self-loathing bit I do so well (and must change!). I opened up to the guy. I trusted the guy. I let myself vulnerable to the guy. I let myself get hurt by the guy. The guy is bad.
Why bad boys are appealing. I have talked to Mark about this before and this is why I think I fall for the bad boys... you feel special. You, I, whatever. When a guy has kind of a bad reputation or doesn't get along well with many people, hates people and is hated by people, you feel really special when you get positive attention from this boy. Because you see this side of the guy that no one else gets to see, normally. I think these type of guys know what they're doing most of the time and have done it to many people. But anyway, you see the sensitive side to the guy, and you think you are the reason this side is being brought out, when in reality it's just an act. Most likely you will be told, "Watch out for so-and-so, he's done this-and-this." Usually the response is, "but you just don't know him like I do. He's so sweet to me. He cares about me. He's different with me." Of course, you end up hurt in the end.
Why are the nice guys finishing last? I honestly have had AMAZING guys in my life! But those didn't work out because I was so hung up on like the two bad boys of my life. It doesn't make sense to me that I have wonderful ex-boyfriends and male friends who are not in great relationships. Is it the chase that we like? The case of wanting only what is unattainable? Do we say we want good, sweet men but really want the jerks?
What is wrong? I think girls like myself need to snap out of it and appreciate the wonderful guys and learn from mistakes to stop the horrible "I always end up with bad guys" syndrome.
Then again, don't these good guys deserve more than what these neurotic girls (like myself) have to offer?
xox,
Moni
Start
Here's the beginning of a new bloggy blog. After an entire day at work, I finally came through and chose a blog spot, name 20 minutes before I have to hop and skip to my car. Congratulations Monica! You're a star. I'm sure I'll write something later tonight.
xox,
Monica
xox,
Monica
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