11/4

Breakups!
Today is the first official day after the breakup. This is the day that I usually get really sad and regretful. Regretting either my decision to end a relationship or regrets on things "I could have done differently." You know what I mean? I'm sure everyone goes through this.
Surprisingly, I'm not feeling that way, at all. I actually don't think it's hit me yet. If I did, I'd be sad! Right? Right! Scratch that. I do feel SAD. Just not as sad as one would think, I guess. I'm sure by the end of the day I'll feel devastated.
Daniel and I have had so many fights during our friendship. Our relationship. It's been something I wouldn't have ever allowed myself to go through. But guess what? I was so in love with him. I still love him. I should have known that things wouldn't ever work out when early in our friendship the way I joked around was not accepteable to him. I had to make changes, accordingly. I think that set precedent for the relationship. When we didn't like something, state it, usually a fight will occur, but in the resolution, one would have to stop doing whatever.
Monica. I did not like to always make it clear When I was upset. I hate conflict. My family life has been NOTHING but conflict. Verbally and physically. I hate mixing that feeling with people I care and love. So, I was very avoidant when I was bothered by something. Also, though, I have the ability to be mad at something for 2 minutes, then totally shake it off and classify it as being silly for being upset over it. Which I did SO often. When I did say something to him that really bothered me, it would turn into a big discussion, then... of course, a fight. So, I can see how that would be something he didn't like. He likes to discuss things thoroughly. I don't. The way he'd go by discussing often felt like an attack, and I'd feel like my father's daughter. No control, no voice, small. I got jealous on more than one occasion that probably caused tension for a short while. I got irritated at the fact there were times where it seemed as though he didn't have an interest in talking to me, and would prefer talking to whomever else. The eating disorder. Enough said there. I didn't do everything he asked of me.
Daniel. Controlling. If I didn want to do something, he would keep demanding I do it. As I'd keep saying, "no" he'd get more mad each time, to where I would just finally do it so he wouldn't be so angry anymore. But when I didn't give into something he asked of me, it would turn into a fight. And according to him since I loved him it should be something I want to do for him. I think that there is something wrong with that mentality. Not according to him. I couldn't open up to him about a couple critical things, which should have been something I could discuss with the guy I'm in love with. When I was depressed I'd get the question, "where's the girl I fell in love with?" and to make that OK he claimed that he didn't know what was going on with me. But the way he approached it caused fights. I understand that men don't think the same as females, but there is a certain point where more guys know how to approach the situation. It was very rare he would apologize for something that hurt my feelings. And when I'd point out I was waiting for an apology, he'd tell me why he felt he didn't need to apologize. Also, often times I was irrationally upset according to him. Does that tell me something? Probably that my feelings don't amount for much to him.
I've confided in a friend that I really respect. He gives me an unbiased opinion and always has. With the really hard times Daniel I'd bother him into listening to the situation. With his advice and his opinions I feel that I can get my thoughts straight and get talked out of thinking irrationally. But surprisingly enough, with 99% of the time all of my feelings WERE rational and Daniel was irrational. That should have also been a great indicator for me that there's something wrong in this relationship.